Book Update

Several of you have sent emails asking what the "heaven" book I mentioned in the last posting is. So, I thought it might be time to go ahead and do another book update. With all that's been happening, my reading has slowed substantially, but it still hasn't come to a halt. Two of the books on this list I haven't actually finished reading, but here we go:

Freckles by Gene Stratton Porter: This was my selection for our book club. It is a kid's book, really, but it is wonderful. I actually retold the entire book to Mom on our last trip to the beach... It's the story of a little Irish orphan boy, filled with valor, a hard work ethic, and love for his "Swamp Angel." The book opens as he is running away from his first job out of the orphanage. He was abused because the plantation owner who hired him didn't know that he was missing an arm. The rest of the story is about how he overcomes his disability, finds "family," falls in love with an unobtainable beauty, and earns the respect of all he meets. It is very touching and has a surprise ending. Porter was also an avid nature lover and this colors the entire novel.

Middlemarch by George Eliot: This is one of the books that I haven't actually finished. I bought an antique copy, and it actually came with two of Eliot's books in one. For this reason, it is HUGE, and I had people at the doctor's office ask me if it was an antique Bible I was reading :) Perhaps it's the daunting size, or maybe the problem is that I watched my BBC movie and ruined all the surprises, but I have had a hard time getting into it. I have never started a book and not finished it, so I will get around to it eventually, but right now I've been too pre-occupied to read a book that isn't going to drag me along with it.

A Room with a View by E.M. Forster: Florence in springtime, English countryside, charming little community...this book has a great back-drop. The story, however, is a little on the strange side. This books shows the difference between loving someone from your mind and loving someone from your heart. Unfortunately, my heart never did fall in love with the "hero" of this novel...He was just a little flighty. I would recommend the movie over the book in this case, which is something I rarely would say.

Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier: I LOVE THIS BOOK! My love for reading started as a young girl reading my Mom's old Nancy Drew books. Perhaps that's why there has always been a special place in my heart for the mystery...the twist. This book has all the elements I love: rags to riches love story, English estates, old-world setting, and SUSPENSE. The creepy house matron, Ms. Danvers, is sure to make an ever-lasting impression on your psyche, and there are twists that will make you gasp out loud. I should probably clarify that this is just a Gothic novel and not Stephen King or anything like that. If you've read Jane Eyre, you will see some definite parallels. Rebecca was my favorite book in high school, and re-reading it as a wife was even better.

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger: First of all, can you tell me how I am supposed to pronounce that author's last name :) There was a very nice black man at Books-a-Million who looked up this book title for me so that I could locate the book by the author's last name. I asked him to repeat it three times, turning more red with each re-pronunciation, until he finally laughed and said, "That girl was one letter off from being really wrong."

I decided to forgo our book club selection of the month because I read the first page and it sounded depressing. I decided there was enough in my life bringing sadness, and I just wanted an easy-to-read page turner to take me into some other fascinating world. I remembered this unusual title being mentioned by one of our book club members, so I decided to give it a go. It was a page-turner, the story line was very clever and must have taken a LOT of planning for the author. I have just still yet to find a book written in the last 15 years, about present-day society, that I would place on a level playing field with the old stuff. This, like most other new stuff I've read, seems to need to use crude language, or sex, or some convention like time traveling, to keep the reader's attention. Something about that just seems plastic to me.

Saying all that, I couldn't put this book down. It may have seemed a little plastic and a little raunchy at times, but the plot was intriguing. Unfortunately, I ran from a book that I thought had a depressing tone, straight into this book where a mother dies of cancer and other death that I hate to give away.

Heaven by Randy Alcorn: I haven't finished this one yet either, but it is fascinating. There is so much that I never knew! Alcorn does a good job of showing different opinions, and then stating his own. Everything (at least so far) has been based on Scripture. Did you know that the heaven that exists now is not the same heaven that we will live in for eternity? Did you know that the verse everyone quotes about there being no more tears or sorrow in heaven is referring to the New Jerusalem, not the intermediate heaven that exists now? Alcorn believes that the Saints (those in heaven now) can see those of us on earth, and they even pray for us. I won't give any more away, but I would highly recommend this book.

Where to Now?

Last night I dreamed Mom came back. We said we were going to believe with her until her last breath, and even then we would believe God could raise her from the dead like Lazarus if He wanted. I guess that's why last night I dreamed she was suddenly just hanging out in the house. She was wearing her white beach cover-up, blond hair, smiling, holding Pace and rallying us all to go to the pool and lay out with her. We were all looking at each other like, "Is she serious?" and I asked her if she was sure the sun wouldn't zap her energy too much. We were talking in whispers, not wanting to freak her out because she obviously didn't know that we'd been to her graveside a few days before. I even remember pulling Dad into the garage and asking him if it was really OK to let her lay out. He said, "If that's what she wants, but take her by the doctor first and get her kidneys checked." :) Pretty vivid, huh.

Dreams aside, I realized yesterday that I really do think about her constantly. I woke up, made the bed, walked downstairs, and had part of a conversation before I was jolted by the realization that I hadn't re-remembered that Mom is gone for that 10 minute span. It isn't like I walk around heavy with memories, but everything is tinged by her or the lack thereof. How then am I not depressed? How have I lost my mom, my best friend, my #1 fan (as she proudly named herself), my confidante and not thrown myself into a dark room and locked the door as I would have imagined? The only answers I have been able to come up with are God and your prayers. We all have dark moments... I actually told my aunt at our family Christmas that I just didn't have it in me to smile at everybody...but the moments pass. I tell myself that she's finally WITH Jesus and no memory we could create for her here can compare with the ecstasy of where she is now.

We are all reading a book on heaven, and I think that's helping me too. I've always been big on wanting to SEE where people are so that I can "see" them when I think about them. Is that crazy? I'm pretty sure Jeremiah thinks it is. I had a breakdown a couple of years ago when he told me A) It would be inappropriate for me to be-bop up to the ER so that I could accurately imagine where he was 90% of our life (and watching him do a surgery was even more out of the question) and B) He didn't feel the need to make the hour-long drive out to my work in Wilsonville so that he could "see" what I do (he did drive out there anyway though :)). Anyway, being able to accurately imagine the surroundings of those I care about has always been big to me, and this book is helping me to do that. It's one thing to say she's happy, it's another thing to imagine what she's really DOING up there.

There is one other problem that we all seem to be having and that is being around groups of people again. We don't sit around in the house and mope or anything like that, but there is something hard about seeing people laughing and being "normal" when nothing about our existence is normal anymore. It may not be bad, but it certainly is different...and will never be the same again. I have found myself feeling distant and alone when I am surrounded by people. However, I went to dinner at a friends house tonight and it hardly bothered me at all. I am just praying it will keep getting better.

This is hard to admit, but there is also a kind of relief in my heart. Taylor really hit it when she said that she doesn't know what to do with herself now that there is no worry in the back of her mind. There's been 13 years that we've all been unable to be completely without the fear that God may NOT chose to heal Mom. Now that what we always thought to be the worst has happened, and we've seen that God still more than sustains us, that fear is no more. Even though it makes me feel a little guilty, there is relief in that.

Finally, I want to say that I have been overwhelmed by the posts on this blog. Your love and prayers are so GENUINE and we feel it. OH, how we feel it! The thought that there are "Anonymous" friends out there who have been moved by Mom's life fills my insides with overflowing hope. It helps me to see how much bigger God's plan is than my own.

FROM Glory TO Glory

The picture you are looking at is the last physical vision my Mom had on this earth. A host of people flooding our front yard (and down a side street that you can't see), holding candles, singing carols, and praying for her. After smiling and waving down to these friends, she walked to her bed, laid down, closed her eyes and slipped into another state of consciousness. The next vision she saw was heaven. Mom was permanently healed yesterday morning around 5:45. I was praying and believing that I would be writing on this blog to report an earthly healing to you all. However, that was not God's plan. All I know to say is that we misunderstood, because I know that God is not a man that He could lie (Numbers 23:19).

I have been through many stages over the past weeks. Extreme hope, blindingly painful sadness, numbness, joy, and dream walking. However, yesterday morning I was consumed with an all-encompassing peace. I crept up into Mom and Dad's room around 4:30 yesterday morning (after feeding Mary Aplin). I watched Mom's strained breathing and held Dad's hand for about 30 minutes. Then, I kissed her cheek and whispered, "I love you so bad" (a term that Pace has coined) into her ear. I went downstairs and spent another half hour weeping bitterly to Jeremiah about all of the "last times", and then God wrapped me in peace. We had both been lying there quietly for about 5 minutes when Dad walked in and said, "Your Mom's gone on to glory."

The next hour seems like a dream now, but at the time it was the first moment I had felt real in a long time. I believe God brought that peace to me at the same time he was wrapping her into His arms. I held her hand, because I wanted to feel warmth from her one last time, and we sang "Our God is an Awesome God," because He is. We prayed, and we read from her favorite devotional "Streams in the Desert." It was a message delivered directly to us (if you have it, then check out Dec. 19th). Dr. Edwin came to pronounce her and he prayed with us as well. He shared several words with us, but one thing that really stuck out was him saying that God did not take her until ALL of us were ready. I had really struggled with that issue. Why, if He was going to take her home, had he tarried and left her in pain? I had thought a lot about the cross--the fact that he had allowed his own son to suffer so why did I expect my Mom to be treated differently. I had thought about Him helping me to realize just what suffering was, and what my sins had cost. I had not, however, thought of her suffering as an act of mercy for me. He slowly brought us all to a place where we wanted her to go. Unless He was going to heal her to wholeness instantly, we didn't want her to stay here any longer. For me, I don't think I got there until the moment she left.

So, as we sat there on her bed I looked at my husband, my Dad, my sisters, and I could fill my lungs with cool air and feel real again. The waiting was over. God had finally answered our question, and even though the answer wasn't what we expected, it is the best. I tentatively admitted my supernatural sense of peace to the group. Afraid it might seem callous. But everyone's faces lit up and they admitted feeling the same way. I know there are still going to be hard days. There have already been moments that made me painfully catch my breath...but they are just moments. My overall sense is peace, and I know it is from Him. I can't imagine a better send-off from this life than the one He gave her. And if that's how she left earth, I can only imagine the glory she was welcomed in to.

Candlelight Prayer Walk

I just wanted to share this with all of you. Some people at our church have gotten this together, and we are excited and humbled.

Join us as we come together for a
Candlelight Prayer Walk for Becky Clark


A Time for Faith and Friends
Community-Wide Invitation
Sunday, December 16
7:30 p.m.
Home of Becky & Ken Clark
206 Whatley Drive

Parking
Meet at the Westgate Tennis Complex.
Transportation will be provided by Southern Coaches, courtesy of John Adams.

Prayer Walk
Bring a white utility candle.
Upon arriving at the Clark home, we will begin, with candles lit, walking
the block around their home, praying as we circle around.
If you are unable to walk, please join us in prayer outside the Clark home.
Following the initial prayer walk, Dr. Johnny Fain will lead the group in a joint prayer.
Bro. Terry Taylor will then lead the group as we sing Christmas carols.

(In case of rain, please plan to meet Monday, December 17.)

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for
and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1

Still Waiting

This is the first time I have been back on the computer since the last posting. Things are pretty hectic around this house most of the time. I just wanted to thank you all for the overwhelming love and support through your emails and posts on this blog. It's amazing how God can hug and encourage you through His people. I have run into people I've never even met before, here in Dothan, who have told me they were waiting for an update on this blog :) It's humbling and exciting how quickly word spreads and how sincere people have been to love and encourage our family. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! You can't imagine how much it means.

Mom has good days and not so good days. She had a blood transfusion Tuesday, was still really weak and rested most of the day on Wednesday, and woke up this morning and asked if we all wanted to go to the Waffle House :)! She was even able to sit up in the front seat for the ride there. We are just trying to love on her during the bad days and thank God for every good day, while we wait to see the manifestation of the healing we feel like He has promised. There have been prayer warriors in this town, in other towns, in other countries even who have contacted us to share words of healing the Lord has given them as well. In our darkest moments, it seems like God is continually producing someone else to lift us up with their own word for us from Him.

On the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, another healer (a man who had actually been raised from the dead and has written a book about it) came to lay hands on Mom. Again, just like with Gene Hall, he wasn't someone that we sought out. A family friend called Dad and said this man was coming in town to spend Thanksgiving with their family, and they would like to bring him over to pray for Mom. I got to be in the room this time around, and it was a moving experience. He explained (with Scripture) a lot of the same things that Gene Hall had told Mom to be doing, that we had just taken on faith. For example, he told us that we need to thank God for His healing now...even though we don't see it yet. He reasoned that we have not seen physical evidence of our salvation, but we still say that we ARE saved. Even though we haven't gone to heaven yet, we still believe we have salvation NOW. In the same way, God has promised healing, so we need to thank Him for it NOW. That's part of faith. He, like Gene, expressed the power behind our words, and the importance of Mom being surrounded by people who encourage her with their words. Humans are the only other beings that God fashioned in His own image, and how did God create the world?...by speaking it into existence. Satan, and his demons, cannot read our thoughts, but they can hear our words. If we speak our fears aloud, then it gives him a foothold of something to use against us.

I didn't really plan on writing out all of that, but I have been learning so much since I've been here. I believe that there is more intimate fellowship with God, that we can have on this earth, that I have been missing out on. I don't feel like I've been wrong, but I do feel like I want to experience all of Him that I can. I heard this healer start to speak in tongues. It was BEAUTIFUL and so obviously of God. No man could make their voice do what his was doing. I was awestruck. He anointed her with oil and water from the Jordan River, while we all prayed. The Lord was almost palpable in that room. The healer said that he had seen people raised from the dead without feeling the anointing as much as he did when he was laying hands on Mom. Please keep praying with us, having faith with us. Thank you for your love and prayers!

Moving Mountains

I am really sorry that I haven't given an update on Mom in so long. You all prayed with us about Gene Hall and I have left you hanging with the results. Life has just been a whirlwind.

First the trip to Savannah: Mom and Dad went to Savannah and met with Gene Hall on Friday night. He told them that God had confirmed to him, and to some other people in his prayer team, throughout the day that He was going to heal her. He said that he had a churning in his stomach that always preceded God's anointing. On Saturday morning, the day of the healing service, Mom was so sick that she could hardly lift her head off of the pillow. When they arrived to meet Gene, he told Dad that he'd never asked a spouse to come in the room before, but God had given him a vision that morning of Dad being in the room as well. They praised God for 4 1/2 hours! and during that time Gene's hands became warm with God's healing power more than he had ever experienced before. He laid his hands on Mom (and Dad) several times and they both felt the great heat coming from them. At one point, he lied face down on the floor beside Mom and started weeping. She asked him if something was wrong and he said that God had given him a vision of Mom giving her testimony about her healing and fire coming from her mouth.

I think that we (our family and friends) were all expecting an immediate and total healing, and apparently that was not God's plan. Mom left the healing still feeling very weak and displaying all the physical symptoms of her cancer. However, Gene seemed happy with the day's result. He has said since that God has confirmed to him that the healing power is in her. I am telling you what happened, but I am afraid I can't tell you that I understand what God is doing. I only know that He is a mighty God and His ways are perfect. Gene told Mom and Dad that the last person he laid hands on, did not receive complete healing until two weeks later.

Now: I am in Dothan with both of our little girls. Mom has been really sick. Really sick. However, God has still shown us his great love through his people, and we are still waiting for His healing. As mom said so beautifully Sunday night as she pointed towards heaven and addressed God himself, "I know what you told me, you gave me Luke 5 and Matthew 8 (the passages about Jesus healing the leper), and you are not a man that you could lie."

So, I am planning on being here until God heals her. I do want to make clear here that God is not on trial... We are all just trying to follow Him as best we know how, but we are human--imperfect, and no matter what, God is Sovereign. I know that there are no two people I would rather be following into this battle than Mom and Dad, and now I would ask you to continue to pray for God's healing power to be released within her. Jesus told his disciples (when they had been unable to heal someone) that their faith had not been great enough. With faith as small as a mustard seed, they could move mountains. So all I know to do is to have faith/believe what God has told Mom, Dad, my Grandma (and many others) and wait for our powerful God to move the mountain

Back to the Hospital

This past Thursday morning, I was undressing Mary Aplin for her first "post yucky belly button thingy is gone so you can finally have a real" bath, when I noticed that the little bald head resting against my cheek felt a warmer than normal. I took her temp, and it was 100.1. I went and checked my "Discharge Instructions" from the hospital, vaguely recalling seeing something in there about what temperature should lead you to call a doctor in a newborn. You see, I have this fear of seeming like a hypochondriac to medical people. I think it stems back to Dr. Lees making me feel like a big faker as a child in the pediatrician's office, but that's another story. I find what I'm looking for, and apparently, you aren't supposed to call unless the newborn's temp. is above 100.4. So, I go on about the day.

Later, I hear a little cry as she wakes up from her afternoon nap. I go into her room and scoop her up, and as soon as that little head touched my cheek, I knew we'd exceeded 100.4. Sure enough, her fever was 101.3, so I called the doctor's office. Mrs. Ohs, a dear family friend who Jeremiah lived with that year he was playing cowboy in Montana, happened to be at our house for a visit. I was trying to cook a fun dinner that night in her honor, so I asked if she would stay with Mary Aplin and Pace (since both were napping) while I ran to get a couple of things at the grocery store. Freedom!!! While I was shopping, the nurse called me back. I'm expecting her to tell me what dose of Tylenol you can give a 2 week old baby. Instead, she asks me if I can re-check the temperature immediately. "No, I'm at the grocery store..." I reply, and I feel a knot begin to form in my stomach as the condemnation comes roaring through the phone line. "Well Mrs. Maddox, a fever in a baby of Mary Aplin's age is very serious. You need to take her to Children's Hospital ER immediately. I'm calling ahead to let them know you're on your way." (Translation:Why, negligent mother, did you leave your infant and go to the grocery store when she is obviouly ill. Take her to the doctor, now, and not when you finish your ridiculous grocery shopping) I would also like to add that my phone is beeping and about to die while she is talking and putting me on hold to confirm things with my doctor. I was frantically asking the kind workers at Publix how I could get to a phone to call the evil nurse back if my phone did die--rendering me an even more neglectful mother who takes a semi-dead phone with her while she is abandoning her sick newborn. I am really nervous about going back to Publix after the scene I made. There were actually two people who tried to shove their cell phones on me, as I dashed to customer service with my full cart of groceries, to get to a phone.

I, thankfully, was able to leave Pace and all my groceries that needed to be put away, with Mrs. Ohs. I zipped to the ER telling myself that the nurse was just being precautious and that my sweet Mary Aplin just had a low grade fever and was going to be perfectly fine. In the meantime, that knot in my stomach was growing bigger by the minute, especially since my doctor husband wouldn't answer his phone OR my pages that I had typed 911 after. The knot got larger as I noticed all the horribly (honestly dirty) and sick children crouching in every orfice of the waiting room in the ER. I concluded that if Mary Aplin wasn't deathly ill when we came in, she certainly would be by the time we left. The knot grew larger when a nurse came in and told me that they would be performing a "lumbar puncture" (surely they could find some other phrase to use besides something that brings visions to a mother's mind of a poking holes in her tiny baby's spine), drawing blood, putting in a cathater to get a urine sample, and starting an IV for antibiotics. I was still holding onto the need to NOT be the dramatic, over-exaggerative mother until the doctor came in and added that we would also have to stay in the hospital for at least 48 hours. The dam broke. There was only so long I could hold it together on my own.

I soon found consolation in sweet Mary Halsey Maddox. She was in Jeremiah's medical school class, became one of our good friends, and is now doing her residency in the ER at Children's. She came in and assured me that every doctor and nurse who cared for us was the best. Then she assured me about all the prcoedures that were going on, and paged Jeremiah to let him know that he REALLY needed to come, and that I wasn't just being a hypochondriac this time :) While we waited for the test results to come back, we discovered that the hospital was at full capacity, so we would have to spend the night in the (dirty) ER. This turned out to be OK, since Jeremiah was on call at Children's that night. He would leave our room, see a consult, then come back. I actually saw him a lot more than I would have on a normal night on call.

All the tests came back, and Mary Aplin has a urinary tract infection, which is apparently pretty serious in babies as young as she is. They told us that we would have to stay in the hospital for 7 to 14 days to do intravenous antibiotics. Since they have virtually no immune systems, these infections could potentially spread to their blood streams and can even cause spinal meningitis if you don't catch it early enough or treat it properly. You also worry that something didn't "form right" (why does that sound so country as I type it?) when you see infections this early. They did an ultrasound, and Mary Aplin does have all of her organs in the right place. However, there was some fluid in one of her kidneys, so they are doing another test Thursday morning to make sure she does not have reflux. This would mean that when her bladder contracts, some of her urine is going back to her kidneys. Even if she does have reflux, they say it would probably resolve on its own as she grows.

SO, if I could end with a few more prayer requests for you :) Pray that Mary Aplin doesn't have to stay on long-term antibiotics or have surgery. Pray that Pace, who is staying with Mrs. Ohs at our house, will behave and not think that she has been abandoned by her parents since Mary Aplin has gotten here. Finally, Mom is definitely going to Savannah to meet with Gene Hall this weekend!!!!!! so keep praying for HEALING and to see God's glory through all of this. Love you all and greatly appreciate your encouraging notes and phone calls. Does anybody else feel like they have way too much drama in their life????