I was sitting in church this past Sunday, listening to Jeremiah sing "In the Valley." If you haven't heard it, its a moving song about how we see God most in the valleys of our lives. I felt my heart start to move as his words resounded within my soul, I felt tears start to fill my eyes, and suddenly I felt myself slamming the heavy metal door that separates my emotional and rational self. It brought to the forefront what I knew had been happening in my spiritual walk of late, without being able to quantitate it.I still believe in God, our Father. I still believe in His ability to work miracles in our lives--to heal the sick of body and soul. I don't doubt Him or His power or His lovingkindness. I still not only know but feel the fact that losing Mom has been part of His plan to bring about the most glory. Despite all this, it still hurts too bad to be near Him. Its easy to go through the motions of Christianity--going to church, talking in Sunday school, even having devotions most mornings--without ever really experiencing Christ. My prayers consist of all talk and no listening. When I worship, I shut off my emotions, unwilling to stir feelings that might make me cry--I feel like I've had enough tears.
As I listened to Jeremiah sing, the picture God gave me was that of a child, laying all their hope and trust in their father. A child who cried out to the bullies all around, "My Daddy can beat your Daddy! I will not be afraid of you!" And as that little child, in all their faith and vulnerability, stared down their oppressors, rocks started pelting, slowly at first, then faster, until she became reduced to a little heap with her arms thrown over her head, pleading for mercy. The father stood to the side, allowing it all to happen--knowing that the child needed to accept a few scars from the world. Scars that would make her more wise, more humble, more, more...
So now I'm leery. Afraid to make myself vulnerable again. I miss my Father. I miss his friendship, his instruction, his love, but I'm scared to get back up and the bruises are still healing. I don't want to make myself vulnerable again, because I'm scared of those hurtling rocks.
Then there's the other side. The side of me that wonders if the reason I'm having trouble renewing my relationship with Him, is because this is the first time in my mature Christian walk that I haven't had something tangible, driving me to my knees over and over. Mom was diagnosed with cancer when I was 13, and since that age there were very few times that I went into His presence without beseeching Him on her behalf. So now there is this strange question in my heart, "Will you still seek Me in earnest, when you aren't pleading a life and death cause? Is it really ME you wanted, or was it just what you needed from Me?"
I hope and pray that what I want and need most is Him. That's what I claim...I just worry that I've been wrong about myself.
I don't know whether I'm feeling hurt and vulnerable, or unworthy, or...but I do know that I miss Him, but I just can't.
14 comments:
You are in my prayers! And just know that you aren't the only one having trouble with these things! Its nice to know that I'm not the only one as well.
Our Father knows your hurt. I am on the same page with you, but your hurt is 1,000 times mine. I pray you a big hug and a sign you will be able to endure this torture, empitness,pain. The coming months will have a void no
one wants for all of your family.
love you!!!
Mitzi
Just prayed for you Abby. We love you!
Abby, you're in my prayers as well. If it helps at all-I understand and you are in no way alone. Just know that your faith is great and your grief is justified! He will get you through this "fire" as well.
Hi Abby, Your post touches my heart and I hear the grief in your words. I am currently studying the Psalms through the "Stepping Up" bible study written by Beth Moore. Many of the Psalms express frustrations, hurts, fears, and the vulnerability that we bear because of our human condition. But what I am learning is that God wants us to bring all of that to him. We see Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane pleading with his father "If there is ANY other way"... God heard him because of his submission, but the answer was still no. Jesus made himself vulnerable because it was the Father's will. Many of the Psalms are written by David, that man after God's own heart. Those Psalms are brutally honest, filled with fear, pain, anger, etc., and God heard him. I am learning through this study that God allows us to feel these emotions, and the vulnerability of our condition, to drive us to him, where we can empty our heart of all of it and allow him to fill us with more of him. Ultimately deepening our trust and our relationship. God loves us and leans toward us, waiting patiently for us to come to him with all that we are, feel, think. I know what your Mom would say...run to him. Put it all out there again, for great is your reward. (Matt.5:12)
love and prayers, Miss Lori
Hi Abby, This is Glenda's daughter in law, Kyla. Glenda was here last week and showed me your blog. You do such a great job writing about true emotions as well as every day happenings. I look forward to reading your posts. This one particularly moved me. Although I can't say that I understand what you have been through with your mom, I can say that I have been at the same place spiritually that you are describing. I remember thinking I don't ever want to be broken again. During that time, God used my best friend to encourage me to sing a praise song when I felt so completely far away. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I did it though, and then she would make me sing it again, and again, and again. It took a while, but my heart started to warm up again. I really do understand what it means to be so close yet so far away. I am stopping right now and praying for you..."Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of the Earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace." Take Care and Blessings.
Sometimes all we can do is drag ourselves in a miserable heap and lay a the foot of the cross saying "I've got nothing to offer, nothing to ask, nothing to say. I'm just here because I know this is the safest place in the world to be. I can't sing praises or even mumble a prayer. All I can do is lay here until you pick me up and fill my heart with joy again." I can't imagine a more vulnerable and humble place to be. Just cling to the cross. I'm praying for you.
Megan
unwilling to stir feelings that might make me cry--I feel like I've had enough tears.
hey abby,
i find it interesting that the Lord works the way He has in our lives. Last night,i was eating dinner at one of Dr clevelands new pediatric heart surgeons's home in phoenix. They are a sweet korean family and the more and more i talked to the wife the more open i started to become. She and i shared alot of the same experences in life (my junior year crazy month when i couldnt sleep and a few other things) and so i just kept talking with her about things and of course the all to familiar mom conversation came up and before i knew it i was balling about mom to this all too new korean friend and mrs. lee. I am in the same boat about avoiding any thing that could come close of making me get emotional- i mean i always would talk about her(mom) but got off it so quickly as to avoid a public melt down.
BUT last night i could not contain it!
All this to say that i am right there! I am going thru the motions as well and it seems though that i only feel like i am getting better when i just face the music about mom and face the fact that there are problems in my relations with the Lord bc of some unanswered questions and deep wounds that need mending!
So i hope we all take baby steps forward daily in facing our trouble and seeking the Lord for answers individually! That is all that He asks from us now- at least I hope!
ok love you!
ps we need your deposit for the bmaids dress
taylor
Hey Abby...I've been a "closet" blog reader for sometime now (and a closet friend apparently, because I can't recall the last time I've seen you!!), but I love reading about your precious heart, and hearing your honesty before the Lord and people. I hope I never know the pain of losing my mom, but your heart is healing (is healing the word? because does that ever really happen?) so much faster than mine did when I lost Mrs. Hicks and Erin. I do know you will be blessed by your honesty before the Lord, when you look back on this one day, and you will see the growth it generated. We reap what we sow, and you're sowing so many blessings on so many people just by being you. Hope this message finds you well. :)
Hey Precious! I am only convinced that He says, "I Am."
Abby,
I have wanted to respond to this blog, and I have set here for 30 minutes not typing thinking what i wanted to say...and this is all i can really come up with...
Healing and pain take time to mend. As you realize your emotions and fears, know that that is God working in your heart. You are going in the right direction. Let Him lead you, and just take it one day at a time. Don't be overwhelmed...He is working within you everyday. He will take of you. It takes time.
Abby,
Reading your words brings back so many memories of when I lost my own mother 18 years ago this past June. She died two weeks before her only grand daughter, Lois Katherine, turned two. I was a young mother desperately holding on to my faith, knowing it was God's plan but not understanding why she was taken from me so early in my life. I also went through the motions of the everyday Christian journey. There will always be times in our lives that we will find ourselves walking through the desert. God's only request is that we just show up. We are always surrounded by His love. Our mind may not be in the "present" with Him, but our hearts will always be in his "presence". May God's peace fill your heart today.
Abby,
I was just scanning through some of your posts that I hadn't read lately, and just the title of this one made me catch my breath. I spoke those words last year after our 2nd miscarriage. I know the pain and grief I felt then is just a fraction of what you have felt losing your mother, but I wanted you to know that I know the spiritual place you're in. I wasn't mad at God. I trusted Him. But I knew that in order to heal my pain, I had to let Him open the wounds. And I didn't want to deal with the pain. So I just kept my distance for several months. I missed Him but couldn't bare to "meet" with Him. In time, there was indeed restoration and renewal and hope. Thank God that He is so patient. Praying for you!
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