Stress

When I was in high school, I was stressed about Organic Chemistry and Calculus. When I was in college, I was stressed about every single engineering test, to the point that I started having panic attacks as I sat in my desk and waited for the test to be handed to me. Now that I am a stay-at-home Mom, nobody asking my brain to perform tasks that I am afraid are out of my league, you'd think I would be over the stress. At least that was what I used to tell myself to help me get through all those exams. "One day Abby, you'll be a stay-at-home Mom and will have no more tests to get stressed about." I can remember rolling my eyes at my Mom in high school, since I was preparing for my big and mighty tests or projects, as she went into fits on the day before company came over. I can still see her vacuuming the rug in our den, so that it had perfect vacuum lines running across it, and then making us all (four children don't forget) walk on the TINY space of floor AROUND the rug so that we wouldn't mess up the lines on the carpet. Whenever she entertained, everything had to be perfectly clean and PERFECTLY planned.

Watching her, in my teenage smugness, I thought, "I will never be like that! She is a stay-at-home Mom, what in the world does she have to be stressed about?" I am here to confess that I am there. I have, as in so many other things, become much like Mother in this as well. I try to tell myself that these things don't have eternal significance. That people just want to feel welcome in my home and do not notice if I have dusted the top of my television cabinet. That this need to be "perfect" is nothing but pride and should be rooted out. There is some section of me, that thinks at least part of my motives are worthy. Those would be that I enjoy thinking about who my guests are and what would make them feel special. For some that may be fine china, for others it might be a particular CD playing in the background, or funny little theme (like airplanes on a runway Whit and Cole :)) as the centerpiece of our table. Whatever it may be, I take joy in trying to create an atmosphere that will, hopefully, make my guests feel special.

Is it bad to devote an entire day (or sometimes two if you count the grocery store trip and pre-cleaning the day before) to having company for dinner? Is it bad that I plop my children in front of movies and ignore their pleas to play with them because I am "stressed" and trying to make things perfect? Is it bad that I end up cursing this old house because no matter how hard I scrub it never actually looks or feels clean? Is it bad that I shy away from having people over (even though I know I would enjoy the fellowship immensely) because all I can think about is those days of hard labor and tight neck muscles beforehand?

While I have not had a lot of events at my house over the past few months, I have had a lot of events. To the point where I looked at Jeremiah last Thursday and said, "I think I'm about to have a nervous breakdown." It was not the most opportune time for a breakdown, considering he had a HUGE orthopaedic test the next day that he'd been preparing for for months, but you know, you just can't help when you start to have a meltdown. I must say that he deserves some major credit for walking away from his test preparation, taking me to bed (at 8:30 at night!) and listening to me cry and vent every little detail that had led to my collapse. I know they must have sounded stupid to him who stands in an OR every day with lives in his hands, but he didn't make me feel that way. What he made me feel was that no matter what, no matter what it cost, we were going to find a way for me to alleviate some of the impending stresses that were hanging over my head. Here, I have to give a standing ovation to my SIL Ashley and my sister Taylor and John David. They took my children for some long periods of time and have given me some time to feel like a human again and to think.

What I've come to is this. Some people just live life stressed. No matter what the occasion, no matter what life is dealing them, you know when you bump into them that they will have a long breathless list to rattle off to you about all that is on their plate. I am that person more than I would like to confess, and the hard thing to admit to yourself is that it's not about what's happening in your life as much as it's about a state of mind. I find that if I can broaden my lens and remember that I am exactly where I've always wanted to be, doing the job that I've always wanted to do, then the little things start to pale in comparison. If I can remember Who is in control (even though I usually feel like He is chuckling at my need for deep cleanliness--just loving watching me learn a lesson about letting things go), then I can turn life's problems over to somebody who can do something about them. Jeremiah's Aunt Jeanie gave me an illustration one time that I have gone back to a lot. She said, "Abby, when you feel like there's a whole forest in front of you that you have to chop down, and you look down to find that all you have is one little ax, then just know that God is on the other end of the forest with a bull-dozier, plowing it down. All He asks you to do is take care of one tree at a time."

I am going to try to focus on those things, and let the little things go. I am going to pray that Jesus will change my heart, and teach me to live a life of freedom and beauty instead of stress and darkness.

Another Big Day!

Apparently, God Loves a Color Change

This morning, I went running on a Birmingham mountain (really just an oversized hill), and I was overwhelmed by all the magnificent trees that surrounded me. I was sad that I was running such a narrow, rocky path, because I would have liked to spend the whole run looking up at those trees instead of down at my feet. It made me think about God (as nature often does) and about how well He does things. He could have said, "Ok, trees need to have life and death cycles once a year for everything to work like I need it to in the universe. So, when the weather starts to get crisp WHAM all the leaves will die, turn brown/black, and fall to the ground." Instead He gives us a profusion of color in their death that makes fall a magnificent time of year to be alive.

Apparently, God was loving another kind of color change this fall as well :) While I will admit that at 10:30 last night when the "OBAMA ELECTED!" signs started flashing all over our television screens, my initial reaction was a pit in my stomach, followed by some ranting about Democrats. My main issue is that, while this whole tax cut for people making less than $200,000/year is going to do wonders for us down here in the "just above food stamps" bracket, I think it is heinously wrong. I think our country was founded on the ideal of capitalism--the idea that if you work hard you should be able to get ahead--and KEEP your own stinkin' money as an incentive to continue to work hard and fuel the economy. I understand that there are people who physically cannot support themselves and I would be a heartless person to say I don't think they should be helped. However, I think that our welfare system is SO corrupt that that money is not getting to the people it is intended to reach. At this point, I am getting politically over my head, but I will end my rant by saying that I think we are slowly turning into a Socialistic country--so slowly that people will hardly notice the differences--and this will turn our already flailing economy into a pit.

All THAT said last night to Jeremiah as we went to bed, I was able to drift off to sleep and wake up this morning to the fact that we will have an African American President of the United States. I am sure you have all heard that so much today that you don't care to hear it from me again (so I'll spare you all my musings on why that is so incredible), but just like yesterday when my chest puffed with pride at the thought of being a part of diverse America, it puffed with pride for much the same reason this morning. I heard Bubba (of Rick and Bubba) say on the radio this morning, "If the Democrats want the keys, then, heck, toss 'em too 'em and lets just see what they can do with this mess. Good luck." (That was extremely paraphrased.) Those two things pretty much wrap up how I'm feeling today. Proud to be an American and interested to see what our next President (and majority democratic Senate and House) are going to do now that THEY are at the wheel. Just like the leaves in the fall, in my own little heart, it feels a bit like things are dying with this new color change in Washington. The death is not the fault of the color, but what's going on on the inside. I hope I'm proved wrong and everything comes back green again in the summertime.

Proud to be an American

(A picture from July 4th, but the only red, white, and blue I could find) I just did my civic duty. I dropped Pace off at MMO and took Mapple Dapple with me to the polls. I was assigned a fire station in Woodlawn, and as I walked into the open enclosure filled with tables and voting American citizens, I was amazed by the sense of Patriotism I felt. We were so diverse, and yet all there--Americans. I saw an old man with his hair perfectly combed, his collared shirt tucked into his belted khaki slacks, and his back held rigidly straight. I just know he fought a war so that I could be there casting my little vote, and I felt the urge to run hug his neck (don't worry, I didn't). Then there was the petite Mom, wearing a crisp black and white print dress with little black flats, her baby nestled closely to her body in a sling. The middle-aged black man, with worn blue coveralls. The tall, slender physician, in her scrubs and Dansko shoes, with her hair pulled back in a blonde pony-tail. The flamboyantly gay man with his spikey hair, small stylish glasses, and man-purse. The conservative business-man in his charcoal suit, red tie and briefcase. There were several middle-aged black women working the polls, offering guidance with a smile and cooing at my baby. Then there was me, sweaty and wearing my running clothes with a baby propped on my hip. It was America at work and it was beautiful to me this morning! I am proud to live in a country where we can all gather together and vote, each with our own passionate beliefs and love for our country--angst for the state of where we are, and still respect each other as humans and more than that, as Americans. And while I filled in the little bubble for a total "Republican" ballot, making sure that I marked McCain/Palin as well (just to be safe), no matter who our next President is I will be happy, because we're America and this is how it works. Besides, I know who's ultimately in charge of our leaders, and I trust Him completely.

What Would You Give?

This time last year, Mom was really sick and growing exponentially sicker. It was horrible and exhausting to watch her decline like that. We never called in Hospice, and I got to serve Mom in ways that I could never have fathomed. I am thankful that I was able to be a small part of caring for her, but there were a lot of times that I told myself, "Just be thankful that she's here. Even though she's like this, at least she's still here with you." And over and over I said to myself, "There could come a day when you'd give anything, even to be back here, because it would mean she's alive. Be thankful even for this."

Today, I was washing dishes after the girls had eaten lunch, and my mind wandered back to where I was at this time last year and all those thoughts I fed myself came rushing back. What amazed me today, was the realization that I was wrong. I was wrong to think I'd give anything to be back there--just so I could have her. I am here to tell you that I wouldn't go back there for anything. To see her sick like that again. To go through the agony of uncertainty--just so desperate to know if He was going to heal her or not. I wouldn't go back there, even if it meant having her alive, because what she was then was not her. It was a faint whisper of her life, entrapped in a perishing and painful shell. Why would I trade that, for the knowledge that she is whole and beautiful and happier than I ever even saw her. I wouldn't trade it, and I'm sorry I spent so much time trying to relish something that I wish I could forget.

There is a sort of twisted game I've found my mind playing at times like these--when these types of comparisons start to seep in. I call it the, "What Would You Give Game?" While I've determined that I wouldn't want Mom back in the form she was before she left us, the question that plagues me is, "What would I give to have her back whole and happy? And what if I could throw in the, 'Her cancer would never ever come back so you can alleviate that worry as well' clause?" I can tell you that trading my immediate family gets struck off the list immediately. The thought of trading one of their lives makes my stomach turn, but what about somebody else...? None of you may be safe :) What if you throw out the God complex--lives are too valuable. What if you start talking about "comforts?" Would I give my house--meaning live with my children on the streets and not be able to be taken in by friends or family? Would I give my sanity? Is there a monetary limit? I mean when you think about realistically having to pay back 10 million, 100 million dollars and what that would mean about the rest of your life? Would I give up my ability to have more babies?

Thankfully, I serve a God who doesn't allow me to make these kinds of bargains. He makes decisions, that He tells me are in my best interest, and I don't have to decide anything. But, what does He ask me to give up in return?...Everything. Even those untouchables like my immediate family, my husband, my precious girls,...He demands that I give them all up to Him. That was a point that my Dad reached several years ago with Mom, and I could never hear him speak the words, "Lord, she's not mine, she's yours. I give her to you," without losing it. Because for us to, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength,..." there's a sacrifice of self and others that's involved. I know I haven't learned what it means to truly live life like that. But I imagine it would be a beautiful.

Back to Dothan

This weekend we went back to Dothan. We didn't want to travel again, BUT it was Dr. Maddox's 60th birthday, Josh and Berkley (Jeremiah's brother and his girlfriend) were coming home from New York, my friend Lindsay was having a wedding shower, the Peanut Festival was in town, and we just could not say no to all of that. We did take the girls "Trick or Treating" Friday night. They were both Tinkerbell, and I have NO pictures. I forgot my camera y'all, and I am just sick about it.

I got to meet one of you, which was a really fun surprise. We sort of randomly took the girls to the Garden District for their candy excitement and as I was saying, "Pace, what do you say..." (to remind her to say "Thank you" for her candy) the lady at the door said, "What did you just say her name was?" I told her, expecting to hear that she had a friend named that or something, and what I got instead was, "Oh my gosh, I knew you all looked familiar. I am one of your blog stalkers!" It was sort of surreal. I felt, I don't know, known. It was crazy, and I am SO glad she introduced herself. It made my night :)


Sunday was such an incredible day! Ashley (Jeremiah's sister) and I planned a surprise 60th birthday brunch for Dr. Maddox. It was Ashley's idea to surprise both her Mom and her Dad. I must say I was a bit nervous about pulling one over on my MIL in her own house. Especially since we busted out all of her silver and fine china, and re-decorated her very elaborate dining room. But we didn't want her to be stressed out either...she seems to be always hosting other people and we thought she deserved to just enjoy the moment. So we did it. Ashley cooked all her food in Birmingham before she left. I cooked all my food at my Dad's house, and we hid it all in their downstairs fridge. Then, when the door closed behind our family as the sweet little Christians went to church, Ashley and I got to work.


Ashley is a natural entertainer. It's her element. She loves to cook, to serve others, to plan meals, and she can do it all with such a laid back demeanor that it amazes me. That is why I love to throw parties with her. I just let myself get caught up in the swell of her excitement and enjoy the ride. Can I give you the menu? Is that boring? It was just all so good I don't want to forget. Ashley made a ham and Swiss quiche, a savory quiche, monkey bread, mini parfaits (filled with vanilla yogurt, granola, strawberries and blackberries), and an Italian creme cake for the birthday boy that was so moist and delicious it deserves its own post. I made a hashbrown casserole, stuffed roasted tomatoes, fried bacon, and Conecuh sausage on the grill (can you tell who's the better cook?). We served mimosas and coffee out of big beautiful silver pitchers.


Now the setting...We used white bone china with red glass accent plates. There was a fire roaring at one end of the room and a cut-glass bowl filled with floating roses from the yard was the simple decoration at the center of the table. We drank out of silver goblets and stirred cream into our coffee with the most adorable tee-nincey spoons I'd ever seen. And perhaps the best part was that everybody lingered. We didn't rush through the meal and run start the dishes. Everybody just ate and talked and ate and talked. After we finished that, the boys pulled out their guitars and sang, and finally we ended the day taking a big family horseback ride around the farm. It was a beautiful memory. Thanks for turning 60 Dr. Maddox! We'll have to do it again sometime :)


As horrible quality as these are (they are off Jeremiah's REAL hi-tech cell phone) they are the only Halloween evidence we have. At least you can get the idea. We figured out at the end of the night that I'd put Mary Aplin's wings on upside down. So, she looks more like Dumbo than Tinkerbell :)

The Wedding

This is the Rehearsal Dinner, and of all the pictures below, this one may be my favorite. It's THEM, Taylor and John David. Natural, making each other laugh, joyous, in love. To answer two questions you might have...One being--Where did I get all of these incredible pictures? John David's sister, Kerie, is a photographer and she took all of these shots. Kerie, I am beyond impressed! Thank you, Thank you! Second--Why is John David wearing a crown (of some silly sort) and a robe at his Rehearsal Dinner? Neither Taylor or John David had ever had a real girlfriend/boyfriend. As a sophomore in college, if you're Taylor, things could have started looking a little grim. It wasn't that boys didn't like her. They did. But, they were always either too close of a friend to imagine kissing, OR after a date or two, they got on her last nerve. The summer before she met JD, God gave my grandma a verse for Taylor: Zachariah 9:9, "Rejoice greatly, O Daughter of Zion! Shout, Daughter of Jerusalem! See, your king comes to you, ..." So for the next few months, my Mom started claiming that verse to Taylor over and over whenever she would get discouraged, "Behold, your king, he comes!" John David's Mom was making a joke about this in her speech at the Rehearsal Dinner, hence the crown and robe. Now, I am about to show some more pics, but first I want to explain the lyrics I'm going to post at the end of all the pictures. Jeremiah wrote a song (that he and his sister Alex sang at the wedding) about these two. The first part of the song is about Taylor's king coming. The second part, the boy part, is about John David. JD is a brilliant guy. Like, he could have played football at Harvard kind of smart. He is a man full of ambition, and the fact that he went from Phoenix, AZ to Auburn, AL for college is quite astonishing. He went to visit AU as sort of a courtesy to his parents (who both went there), but in no way expected that to be his college home. Once there, he just knew it was where God wanted him to stay, and now he says he came to Auburn to meet...yep, old Taylor. One more thing that will help the song make sense (if you don't know Taylor at all) is that Taylor loves to sing and play the guitar--a lot. Hope you enjoy the pictures, and the song. It was an amazing weekend. Love you T, and John David! You make me smile.
John David dancing with his Mom at the dance party we had after the Rehearsal Dinner.

Pace trying to keep us all in line before we walk down the aisle :)The reception was by the pond at my Aunt Alice and Uncle Dan's house. WE could not have asked for more perfect weather, THANK YOU JESUS! It was a 70 degree brilliant fall morning.Dapple Dapple!This is John David's sister Lanie and her little girl Addie. Don't you just want to eat both of them up.

And they were off! In a horse-drawn carriage, courtesy of Dr. Maddox.

Taylor and John David's Song

[Girl singing]From the the mouth of my own Mom,/"Girl behold your king he comes."/Long before I could see/What that summer would bring to me./Where was my faith Abraham,/When all I could see was my empty hand?

Where does a king come from?/Is it strength, is it love that gives life to his bones?/Does he come from the heaven's sky or from fairy tales,/Or somewhere in time?

[Girl Chorus] My faith could only fly so high/When all alone out in the sky,/Now that he's finally come to me/There's no such thing as gravity/Mom, can you see, He brought my king?

[Boy singing] Where did the wind come from,/That drew me up so far from my home?/I recall an angel's song,/That told my heart where I belong./Before she sang I did not understand,/What moves the heart of a man.

Where does an angel come from?/ Is it music, is it love that gives life to her bones?/Does she come from the heaven's sky/Or from stories and legends, or somewhere in time?

[Boy Chorus] A heart can only fly so high/When all alone out in the sky./When that heart hears an angel sing/There's no such thing as gravity/And that's the way it's been since you sang to me.

Then, there's a bridge where the guy and girl sing back and forth some of the lines from above. Then it ends, with a combined chorus:

A heart can only fly so high/When all alone out in the sky./When that heart finally finds its wings,/There's no such thing as gravity,/And that's the way it is with you and me.

[Girl]From the mouth of my own Mom,/"Girl behold your king he comes/[Boy]I recall an angel's song/That told my heart where I belong.